Graham Hancock third hour, 70's gymnasium, and the world's largest orbitting mobile replica of the solar system to date...

 

 

 

 

Patrick thinks that the creature Graham Sheldon, prof of astronomy at CLS looks sort of like a cross between a drunken Beaver and the logo on the six-pack of woodchuck cider he found stowed under Amy’s bed and then took the liberty upon himself to test the product one by one, making sure they were up to the alcoholic potency libation act of ’91, as he calls it. The 70’s gym is adorned with flower power logos, a vignette of a multi-colored lotus coating the center of the court, a picture of a rather hippie-looking extremely relaxed messiah offering the world the miracle of the peace sign. On each of the lotus petals there is a watercolor head of what looks like the Disciples making a cameo appearance on the Brady Bunch. Patrick can’t help but notice the bushy fro and afrocentric almost Lavar Burtonesque features of St. Bartholomew. The fact that Judas corrugated cardboard forehead and pseudo-priapic olfactory organs looks very much like Richard Nixon goes widely unnoticed. Twenty-years the 70’s gym was host to a wide-array of what Coach M defines now as tree-huggin’ hoopsters—the comets bring undefeated since ’58, purveyors of a continuous tradition of sportmanslike dominance.

 

Classes are held on the tye-dye bleachers located in the left over Visitors section  mostly consisting of Graham Sheldon ruffling through a crumpled dossier of mathematical proofs, chattering to himself. Since the induction of the café hemlock Meredith and Cabbs are free to leave and comeback, ferrying Graham complimentary Hemlock House blend refills and toasted buttercup bagels. By the time third hour usually rolls around only the Varsity Elite can be found anywhere else besides the class, usually dotting the interior of the hallways, talking some serious trash about the upcoming game, or living inside the refurbished gymnasium.

 

Although the 70’s gymnasium is situated directly next to the fifties gymnasium Patrick likes to haul some serious ass, scurrying down to his locker inside the Coaches Widow’s room his eyelids sealed shut while breezing past the blinding trophy cases and leering  mascot heads. Patrick ignores the yelping drone of Jeremiah Noelle offering a nasal SOS for help as the apish limbs of both Mario and Aron hoist him up by the handles on his headgear, using the steel metallic top to foist open the doorway to the Mens a la battle ram style. The majority of the Varsity elite are in the main FINANCE FOR ETERNITY gymnasium, located where the right-angular plank of the cross is located when the academy is viewed from an overhead trajectory. Two years ago, Patrick tried in earnest to save the school and ended up watching tuition sky-rocket by 400 percent by non-Varsity Elite non-student “Ostriched” athletes. Dr. Kennedy Marshal appeared around that time, after Patrick’s first campaign, so did Sarge Kockout so did reams of other shit, with the exception of the Café Hemlock and the afternoon forays on the yellow monkey bars, CLS academy has more or less been a viable scholastic Hades for Patrick and company.

 

 



From the hours of three to four every afternoon Graham has engineered the working model of the solar system so that it levitates above the flower power gloss and sheen of the 70’s gymnasium and, for a span of exactly one hour, the solar system gyrates complete orbital swerve,  so that, from inside the sun the orbital ellipses and intergalactic trajectory of  the planets as we know them are fully visible in a neon acrobatic whirl. At the time Graham’s proposal for a fully working oscillating solar system paradigm Graham had employed the professional intellectual tutelage of a corduroy- shinned ruffled autumnal haired lad fresh back from a stint in the foliage north of Saigon.  

Not long after Coach M ushered in the idea of bussing in truckloads of Senior Citizens  “The Bad ASS Branson of the Midwest motherfucker,” in long elongated charter busses with the emblem Whippoorwill Road Runners series. Twice a week Patrick, normally when Patrick  and VonB are  busy endeavoring to hoist Jeremiah out of his Ostriched headgear stance, the rest room will fill up with both the sight and smell of senior citizens clad in tucked in flannel and Velcro shoes, often sputtering out advice to the trashcan or anyone else who will listen passing out hard candy that once seriously wounded Allan’s McReynolds upper incisor when he tried to bite down into it.

   The sun is engineered out of an orange-alloy Polyurethane, that when dormant and resting in the center of the hippie gym, above the half-court logo of lotus Jesus bulges up and out like a mutated oversized Christmas ornament roughly stretching in diameter from the chipped top parabolic arch of both opposite side three-point lines.  The interior of the sun is completely hollow and illuminated by several self-contained neon generators which, when the sun is erected, hoisted twenty feet by the special apparatus above the surface of the gym and illuminated is three times as blinding as the retina-severing trophy case, so much so that, after school, while Lilian Wiltz is busy showing a little leg, shepherding masses of senior citizens throughout the academy, Graham Sheldon passes out specialty rigged sunglasses to assuage the maximum value of the suns electric brightness. Purportedly the only safe place to be in the 70’s gymnasium as far as non-apparatus eyewear goes when the fully mobile solar system is up and orbiting is inside the sun itself. Huddled closest to the sun is seven foot high, ten feet wide Styrofoam and rubber alloy replicas of Mercury, Venus, Earth and Mars with painstakingly detailed terrain for Earth and Mars.

Jupiter is located on the far west of the Gymnasium.

There is also giant human eye located in the Seventies gym. Three years ago-when Meredith-Elise was going through the first of her failed laser eye surgery treatment to rectify a long-line family train wreck of perpetual nearsightedness, she, along with the with the creative caginess of Cabbages, decided to Engineer a giant protocol of the human eye, Coach M insisting that the eye added a bit of flare, decided to keep it stationed until graduation, where, until recently Meredith-Elise Willow read tarot and performed séances while reading WB Yeats, lighting candles and casting spells on VonB for perennial impotency for allegedly cheating on her with her grandmother.

 

                               

 

The side of the seventies gymnasium closest to the playground is adorned with groovy flower power psychedelic, several of which involves ministry scenes from the New testament that look as if Christ performed them while on shrooms. Patrick always comments that the wedding at Cana looks so much like the wedding at Woostock, especially with the holy spirit being formed from dual wisp of what appears to be reefer smoke above the carafes of wine. For reasons that’s a little all too obvious, Larry-Lloyd Baker spends quite a bit of time kicking it in the seventies gymnasium, smoking up in the old visitors locker room-slash-seldom used green house before lying in center court around four in the after noon when the complete viable functioning intergalactic mobile of the working solar system rises above the gym floor as it rotates around a polyutherane sun. Bake has become such a permanent fixture in the 70’s gym that even Coach M, Graham Sheldon or the bus loads of senior Citizens that skirt throughout the academy incessantly, snapping Nikkons as if they were given a free pass to a firing range and asked to hit miniaturized bulls-eye cardboard cutouts of Adolf Hitler and Sadaam Hussien. Lillian Wiltz and occasionally Doc. Kennedy Marshall toady Levi Watts give tours of CLS premises academy starting at 4 pm. Price for the complete tour of facilities is $150 American and includes complete tour of CLS, a retrospective analysis and commentary into the  architecture of CLS, including the grandiose blinding nerve-retina damaging glory of the Trophy case and stain glass frame by frame exegesis. A tour of the FINANCE FOR ETERNITY gymnasium, replete with Skyboxx screening, Bev Pinesol catering, and even a four rounds on the worlds most authentic biblical-themed mini-golf course.