Yellow Monkey Bars & Unbidden Erections -a failed campaign- a novel

 

 

 

Nobody's quite at all sure just how Coach M was able to procure the rights for

Chinese 9 ft. 1 Wong Si Wang, i.e., 'The Tieneman Terror' although Patrick once

overheard Warren telling his wife that he was fairly certain it had something to do with

the circus, foreign peace parties, and a nuclear crisis negotiation talks which landed

Coach M a Pulitzer nomination for best domestic intercessor in a time of vital, national

crisis. Wang is nearly as tall as the monkey bars themselves, and, because of his thirteen

years of age and his remarkable and rabid height acceleration, averaging a foot a year

since age four, Wong Si Wang is used more for an intimidation factor against the

opponents more than any thing else. Sometimes Coach M will have Wong start the game

to recover instant possession of the jump ball. Due to his size forty-one Nike Dedalus

Brontosaurus double X edition high-tops, growing palpitations and turgid slowness up

and down the court, Coach M claiming that, although his height is exorbitant, his lungs

are roughly the size of one of the Losers testicles, Wang is only able to play offense, has

a difficulty time shooting since, on the Court, Wang looks like he is playing a benign nerf

ball, with oval hanger for hoop-on-the-closet-door. If the Comets do it right and get the

ball to Wong in the first thirty seconds, playing a full court press and going for the steal

every time-the Comets can easily have a twenty-nothing lead by the time Wang makes a

time out cross with the two slants of his palms, requesting that he needs to come out and

inhale an asthma container the size of a fire extinguisher for the remainder of the game,

which, nine-times-out-of-ten,  turns out to be the Marcellus Buck show.

 

Apparently Coach M has been warned by physicians time and time again, that,

because of Wong's exorbitant height in contrast to his almost miniscule munchkin sized

pituary glands, kidneys, heart, lungs and various other organs, the very last thing Wong

should be doing is exerting physical motions in front of a jeering mass. Coach M. decided

to show them by keeping Wong in the entire game, telling him that every time he gets the

ball he is to leap, from just above the three point line, and dunk the ball in the fashion of

Marcellus Buck. Wang ended up with a comet record of sixty points in the first half,

wowing crowds at his leaps and drives. Wong dribbles the ball like a toddler trying to

learn how to yo-yo. If he posts himself up by the basket, he can easily raise his hand like

he knows the answer, easily tipping the ball in, garner a rebound, or, goal tend, which

Coach M claims is acceptable by international rules, taking out a Sony Play station

Japanese instruction booklet and pointing to what he believes is a complete sentence,

adamantly handing the refs his side pocket spectacles, telling them to read and weep.

The game after Coach M coerced Wong Si Wang into playing until half time, he

rolled his eyes back into his skull and fainted in the locker room and was immediately

bussed to St. Francis with a perforated Lung. Coach M forced Faculty Lounge bar keep

elder and one time original MGM member of the Lollipop gang Pinky, to donate one of

his overly nicotine coated lungs for the sake of global charity, explaining to Pinky that he

sure as hell doesn't want to accidentally tell the whole entire congregation one Sunday

where Pinky goes on Saturday night dressed up as a you-know what.

 

 

 

 

Wang is not found in.class very much. His English pretty much just consists of

head nods and being verbally chewed out by Coach M during intermission for not being

able to play defense like a real American Goliath. The only other student who has pretty

much been able to communicate with him is world renown flatulent artist Buster Highman, since lunch lady Marilyn introduced a ChineseBuffet and Lenten Sushi bar, Buster and Wang seem to have a close friendship, rivaled only by the cadre of sociological outcasts who cling to the geometric yellow rod known as the monkey bars until one day, the second leg of his Rhine Valley tour, Wang just seemed to go into the locker room during half-time and never return again, Coach M feigning a me-no-speak ang-lay when inquired about the whereabouts of the starting center.