The Comet Condom

Three weeks ago, on a fund raising campaign trip, Coach Martin Looney unveiled the Christ Lutheran Condom, four for a dollar, a chic assortment of blue and white, each with a picture of a flap-jack flannel clad heavily bearded head-banded Jesus probing his index finger out a la smoky the bear with the words ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT SCHOOL PREGNANCIES written below. After a very hush-hush case of crabs involving seventh grade inchoate cheerleader Lucy Truitt (which the faculty insists from Marilyn Johnson’s undercook sea food entrees, which she claimed was a cultural delicacy) Coach M. is cautious about how his basketball players monopolize their weekends. While Jeremiah, The Dave’s and Pat-along with Iola Clitty, Dejuan, Lynford Collins, Cabbages McGranahan, Gavin Creeper and Eunice Kaulkentighter, a headgear clad and coy Varna Whittles, mushroom sized and haircut flat-chested Ramsey LaFayette, and Cleavis  i.e. ‘Buster’ Highmen (who has a waist Coach M once said in a lecture is comparable to the size and width of Saturn if earth were none other than Eric Bushman) were escorted into the old Visitors locker room and showed vile computer animated representations featuring computer animations of themselves on the dangers of sex and procreation among their creative kin and how, in the words of an electronically narrated Coach M, the video commented how ‘fucked’ planet earth would be if their types were ever aloud to procreate.

 

“See, here, Mr. VonBehren and Mr. Noelle have very obvious visual impediments.”

 

Turbo graphic animations of VonB and Jeremy strut across the screen. Jeremy is all bow tie and braces which perfectly correlate his   and looks like he belongs on a microwaveable popcorn bag or in a science laboratory.  VonB is oddly attired in his grade school basketball jersey. Both boys have glasses the size of tennis court that fills up the entire screen. Jeremy is seen talking into bubbled dunce cap, saying that he sure feels like a looser most of the time, and damn, even though he feels so bad and so lonely he sure would hate for his kids to feel the same inhibitions. VonBehren Circle the free through lone, shooting baskets like he is shoveling on an archeological expedition. Behind the boys single cheerleaders who have months for names excerpted from Mr. Mooney’s private library, talk about how they can never imagine dating boys who look and smell like that and geez, can you imagine what horrible fathers they’d make and what looser progeny they’d spawn?”

 

 In addition to not being able to, in the immortal words of Christ Lutheran Starter Marcellus Buck, ‘Put de ball in de hoop,’ Mr. Von Behren and Mr. Noelle pose a grave danger to future civilizations by partaking in the sinful art of fornication-something that our god even forbade his chosen people to do somewhere in the new testament catechism. Do you think such a kind, loving god?

 

In the year 2600 the worlds population, if placed shoulder to shoulder, will circle the globe eight, that’s right, eight consecutive times and their couldn’t possibly be enough food and essential provisions for future generations, let’s face it folks, so, in the name of the Lord God almighty, who was all things and has yet to come, let’s do our future ancestors a favor and resort sexual activities to those who will help behoove mankind as a whole-Namely basketball players and cheerleaders. The Other players and Cheerleaders were invited on an all-expense paid trip to the Virgin Isles over Easter vacation, where, with corporeal visuals, Mr. and Mrs. Mooney would help assist these young favorable fledglings in the proper art of orgy edifice.

 

With half of all marriages already ending in divorce ( Coach M clears his throat and says he knows that his sure did,” why not save your interplanetary neighbors the trouble and demount from the sperm pool.